If

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go you can stay
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching it pull my own light as it tips a shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
no bodys lost
but no body wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one

And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And All this like a message to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

The more you see, the less you know, the less you find out as you go..Don't look before you laugh, look ugly in a photograph, flash bulbs, purple irises, the camera can't see..

I am recalling the times that used to be. The times where I never said "If Only". The times when I didn't have the time to say so. Having a job and being a working woman again reminds me of those long, long nights. I took days as they came. The days that I simply used to get through by breathing, by doing what I was told. Those were sad, empty days. Long days that never left your heart warm or full. The times where I'd cry myself to sleep, and the times where I'd be too tired to cry myself to sleep. Those were the days.

There are times to this day, when the heart hurts for no reason. These times border on hysteria. Today, my heart swelled with such happiness I burst into tears. Other times it has swelled with such sadness that I laugh..this only serves the purpose of reminding me that my head and heart are connected in the most...perverse ways.

Is this what I want to do? Is there something I could have done, or said, that would have changed my life? Or changed someone else's? Now, of all times, I find myself wondering, 'If Only'..

If only..

If only I thought with my head, and not with my heart.

If only I could cry on my own, but not alone.

If only I could be who I am not.

If only life was a movie with a happy ending.

If only things really are easier than they seem.

If only my hair wouldn't fall like it does.

If only I didn't choose to be a psychologist.

If only I had time.

If only I didn't have to choose.

If only people would understand.

If only I could do things right in one go, and never make mistakes.

If only I wasn't human.

If only I didn't want, need, and ask for.

If only I wasn't selfish.

If only love didn't hurt.

If only I could sleep.

If only.