The Tempest

My Jekyll and Hyde.

I have learned something tonight. I have learned that all of us, every single one, have a dark side. This is not new to me, but it has shed light (no pun intended) on my own behaviour that I have long since repressed and denied.

This dark side...it can be indulging in that Ben and Jerry's when you're on a strict diet. It can be the spanking you crave or a fantasy true. From potency, to poison. But we love it. We need it. Our only form of deviance in an otherwise concerned world.

I have learned something tonight. This is not new to me, that I have two sides to myself. I have only just begun to understand.

I have been told often, I am too nice. I do too much for others. I do not disagree. My help is always true and wholehearted. This I do not deny, for there are times when I have sought help and received it with warmth, and other times sunken in dismay. This is the light side of me. This is what lead to people asking me 'why?'. I always answer, 'why not?'.

But the dark side of me. The one that wants to lash out (and does), is a side less seen in its true form. The worst it ever gets is a slap on the wrist, and a gnash of the teeth, for what I do is not nice. Simple as making people believe that is is snowing, or working myself up into a frenzy just so I can let it out. My dark side. It wants more.

It wants to be able to express itself. So that I do not bray for blood. It needs cathartic activity to put it to rest. I cannot find it. I have searched for a long time, and now I am tired, and it has not yet begun, but it will. I refuse to let it out on those I love, though I used to, and do so to this day. The pain, when I do this, is unbearable.

But I will learn.

Sweet, sweet sorrow. To hear you, but not listen. To see you, but not touch. This is my Jekyll and Hyde. My Good and Evil. The two sides of myself that I have yet to understand, and only just acknowledged. Those who care to refute will be against my nonchalance, for this is also as much as I know and care for.

And so be it.